“I’ve learned that there is nothing perfect in this imperfect world except your words, for they bring such fantastic freedom into my life!” (Psalm 119:96 TPT)

I am a work in progress. This is still painful for me to write. For as long as I can remember, I have committed self-harm. These wounds run deep. This blog comes from a very transparent place, a very vulnerable place. I want to add: I do not blame anyone for my behavior. It is mine to own. I grew up as a PK. I spent my life in a “glass house”. That is, I was seen all the time, judged all the time, and “on” all the time. This is not my parents’ fault, nor is it the churches’ faults. We are all flawed human beings seeking daily to be perfected by the Perfect One – Jesus Christ. It is from this head space, I write this. Masking emotions and stuffing them have been a huge part of my life. I am learning self-harm has also been a huge part of my life. It comes in many forms. I never realized I had a problem until recently. I have always just figured I was keeping my cool or staying in control of the situation. The pain I inflicted upon myself was a byproduct of my presumed self-control. I could not have been further from the truth. As uncontrollable circumstances continued to escalate, continued to affect my day, and continued to destroy my plans, I would find I had hit my threshold. The only way out I knew to escape my overwhelming feelings, was to self-harm. I would quietly excuse myself and walk to a nearby room far enough away from what was triggering me. I would then heave my fist toward a wall, my knuckles making connection. The instant pain rush always brought forth a heavy sigh. As my knuckles pulsated with pain, the anger subsided and I could breathe again. I write this not to receive pity or anything like that. I write this to bring to light my struggle. I didn’t think what I did was self-harm. Yet, what I did was the very DEFINITION of self-harm. Any attempt to control a situation which puts you in danger or causes pain is, in fact, self-harm. No matter HOW long it has been a coping mechanism of yours, I urge you, there is a way out. A learned response with a learned reaction is a HARD thing to break. I am openly admitting I still struggle. But thank God, in this imperfect world, God’s words bring forth such “fantastic freedom” as the Scripture above boasts. I am more successful at healthy coping mechanisms now, than I am at self-harm. What has brought me to this place of freedom? Transparency. FAILURES. Getting back up from my failures understanding that I am imperfect and must seek the Perfect One. Prayer. Lots and LOTS of prayer. Tears. Therapy. Dance. Laughter. WORSHIP. I have learned one huge truth on which I cling: I am not alone. No matter how out of control my world is around me, I need only worship. Let me add, worship is not always singing. Worship can be sitting at the Father’s feet crying, no words being spoken – transparency. Find a secret place, and be transparent with God. Understand this: He knows you better than you know yourself. You cannot hide from God. Instead of resisting Him, reach out. Don’t mask your feelings from Him. He knows. And He wants to hold you. No matter how broken you are. He wants to hold you. He wants ALL of you.